To my husband, who I miss so much…

It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these nights. The kind of night that isn’t bittersweet, it is just bitter. Tonight, pain is pushing joy and happiness into another part of my heart, safely tucked away in a place where I will find it tomorrow. Tonight, there is just pain. Tonight there is just missing. Tonight, there is just the fact that you aren’t here, and that I am… without you.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to be a widow anymore. I want to go back to the time when I was happy, when I had the life I chose, the one I wanted. I want to go back to the time when we were planning our future. I just want to go back. I want you back. I want the life that was ripped out of my arms. I want you. You were everything to me. You were my home. It has been 19 months now and since you died I have moved. I have tried to make this a home, but the truth is that sometimes I just can’t get away from that feeling that I haven’t really been home since I had you. Since the night you died. I can’t help but miss everything about you.

I know you hate to see me cry like this. I know it breaks your heart to see me hurt, to know that my heart is so broken. These nights don’t happen as often as they used to. I had a whole day at home alone today and I felt so free and so good and so happy. I think today I filled up my cup enough to break down. Tomorrow morning will come and chances are I will feel refreshed, knowing that tonight I allowed myself the emotional release that my body and heart need. I know that from tomorrows perspective I will feel good that I allowed myself to break tonight. But tonight it doesn’t feel like that. Tonight my heart just feels broken and shattered. Tonight has been spent wiping tears off of the wedding album you made for me. That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. It has been spent sobbing in a pile on my bed (on the mattress you never slept in) listening to heartbreaking music through my headphones, trying not to wake up the little one with my crying. Tonight has been spent knowing that you didn’t want to go… so why did you have to go?

Tomorrow I will pull it all together again like I always do. Tomorrow I will wipe away the dirt and get back up… but that is for tomorrow. I won’t do that tonight. Tonight I am weak so tonight I will let the pain consume me. I will let my heart bleed, and I will be broken. Few people know how much pain lives beneath the surface. I have learned to put on a good face, and I’ve even learned to be happy, but it isn’t like it used to be… when life was easy. When I had you. Joy is always bittersweet now. And even when I truly am happy, I am also a little sad. Light and dark live together in my heart now. When one comes, the other does not go away. They learn to coexist, and I am learning to be happy through the sadness, and be happy with the sadness. I embrace it, because that is what it means to not just survive heartbreak, but to live a heartbroken life.

Tomorrow I will be strong again. Tomorrow is another day, a new day in this new life. Tomorrow I will smile. I will smile because I had you, because without love I wouldn’t feel the pain I feel tonight. I love you so much. I am yours and you are mine. Always.

 

“It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part… So much of me is made from what I learned from you. You’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.” For Good, Wicked (Broadway Musical)

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7 Comments

  1. There must be something in the air. you put into words exactly what I am currently feeling. I don’t want to feel like. It hurts to bad..it consumes everything and I can’t even see past this moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know it doesn’t feel like it but the all consuming darkness does get lighter. It won’t stop coming for good, not so far as my journey has taken me, but eventually you start to know that not only will there be a tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow will be pretty good. But it takes time to get there. I wish I could tell you something that might ease the pain, but even if such words existed I wouldn’t do that… the pain and darkness is where you will find the light. So one foot in front of the other. When it gets so dark that you aren’t really sure light still exists then say “fuck it” and keep going. Find your anger. You will find your way back.

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  2. Truer words were never spoken. I miss him, I want him back, I want my life back. I know I need to move on and find another way, but the road is very long and very lonely. I take one step at a time, it’s all I can handle. “Looking for something that I can believe in, looking for something that I’d like to do with my life. There’s nothing behind me and nothing that ties me to something that might have been true yesterday. Tomorrow is open, right now it seems to be more than enough to just be here today.” (Sweet surrender – John Denver)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The me before, that person is gone. That person will never be again. Joy is always colored with sadness. 4 1/2 years and I still hurt, I still cry, I still grieve him. Part of me doesn’t want to be happy without him because it feels wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

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