Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I loved the music, I loved the lights and decorations, and I loved what Christmas represented to me. The holidays were all about family and being with the ones you love. Now, the holidays are still about being with the ones you love… and this is why they are so damn hard.

I miss my husband. I have been asked a few different times what I want for Christmas and the truth is, the only thing I really want for Christmas is something I will never get. I want time back. I want to my husband back. I want my daughter to be able to grow up with her daddy. He’s not here. It has been nearly two years since I lost him. Nearly two years since my life shattered into something unrecognizable. Nearly two years since I lost the other part of myself and the rest of my little family. It has been nearly two years since my husband died… and all I want for Christmas is to go back to the way it was, to the life I had with him. I want to go back to the time when I could look at my future and see all the things I wanted, everything I hoped for, and know that whether or not my life was picture perfect, it was mine and I was happy.

This Christmas, my daughter and I are spending it with my family. We traveled across many states to be here. I am glad that we did, I am grateful to have this family. But as I look around, I see that every member of my family is living a happy life with their own complete families. In the time that I have been here (less than a week), one cousin has graduated from college, another just got engaged, and a third gave birth to her second born son. I am happy for them, I am. But I am not happy. I look around and I see the life I used to have. I see the future that will never be mine. I see a world that I don’t seem to fit in anymore. My broken doesn’t feel like it fits. The life I will never get back was beautiful and happy. It was full of promises and possibilities and love. It was happy. I was happy. But now, here I am.

I have settled into this new life. It has been nearly two years and I am no longer drowning. I am not hopeless. In fact, I am grateful and happy for what I do have, and for the time that I had with my husband. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything in the world. But today, I cried. Today I broke. Watching everyone around me in their happy lives has taken its toll. It is hard to live a broken life. It is hard to pretend like everything is ok, like this season isn’t the hardest thing in the world for me to get through. I have spent this time putting a smile on my face and avoiding sadness like the plague, but it has taken its toll. I’m exhausted and broken, lying in a pile of shattered pieces with no way to put myself back together. But I will put myself back together. I don’t know how. I never know how, but I always do it.

So today I may pick myself back up, or I may keep on crying. I don’t know yet. But Christmas will come and it will be a good day… and a sad day. And I will pull my broken self together and I will be happy. But before and after that day, and most likely during that day as well, I will break. I will cry. I will beg and plead to have him back, for a different life, for the life I used to have. And I will put that smile back on my face and pretend as though everything is normal and happy. And I will fake it until I make it. This is how the widowed life goes, after all.

I know your Christmas is broken, but I wish you all the love that you need to pull you through your brokenness.

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9 Comments

  1. I too lost my husband three years ago And I understand all the feelings you have. Wishing you and your daughter the best Christmas you can have under the circumstances. May this upcoming year bring you all the strength that you need. Does not take away our missing our husbands, they took a part of of us when they left. But we can hold onto the love that we shared.

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  2. I found your page alittle while ago on Facebook. You don’t know comforting it is to read your posts. Every feeling every way of dealing with life are ways I’ve felt at times. Nice to not feel alone in this journey 🙂 us widows… I lost my husband 3 yrs ago December 2… you have the best Christmas you can … I will to… to strong women on this journey 🎄Merry Christmas 🎅🏼

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  3. I lost my 19 year old daughter a year and a half ago. Every day since has been a struggle. I continue pushing through each day, not for me but for my other daughter I still have. My family and life is broken and will never be the same. All I want to do is sleep but I push myself through these feelings and try to keep Christmas the way it has always been. It is hard knowing all her friends are home for the holidays as well as my nieces and nephews. She should be here with us. You are not alone in your grief. I understand how you are feeling and I wish you an enjoyable Christmas with your daughter.

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  4. This is my first Christmas without Jeff… and I too feel that emptiness and that hole that was left when he died. Your post is comforting in the fact that many of us are going through this and while we probably won’t be “happy and joyous” … we will get through it. I want to think that this is just another day closer til we get to see them again. Not goodbye.. just see you later. Merry Christmas …

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  5. I know i lost all my family except for my daughter and grandkids which I don’t see much of this will be the hardest Christmas as it will be a year ago on the 2nd of jan that my second son took his own life people don’t understand what it’s like unless they experience it themselves I didn’t just lose 1 child but 2 as my daughter and i didn’t even get a chance to say good/bye till we meet again my prayers and condolances go out to u all and try to have a merry christmas and cherish what u have now may god bless u all

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is the first Christmas without my husband Derrick. He was killed on May 29th by a under age drunk driver. He was less than 3 miles from home.
    Derrick and I had been together since we was 15. Now I’m 46. We had 31 years together and should of had 30 more. We have a beautiful daughter who just turned 18 in October. Our life has been shattered, it’s completely tore are family apart. Christmas was always my favorite time of the year. Now I have nothing to celebrate. Reading your post on your page let’s me see that I am not the only one feeling this way. It’s made me feel a little bit better just reading the words you say.
    Sorry for your loss and I will pray for you and your family that you find some comfort on this Christmas Holiday.

    Like

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