It’s hitting again…

It’s been more than three years since I lost my husband. And I’m still not past the late nights driving around sobbing and angry and wishing I could understand. Understand why daughter doesn’t have a daddy. Understand why the other moms at the splash park get to have their afternoons chasing around their little ones with their husbands… when my daughter will never know what it’s like to have a daddy… or know her daddy at all!

The thing is this… life is not fair. They like to say no one says life is fair. Well, I don’t think it’s as easy as that. Because life is not fair… but fair was never a factor. It’s never been a thing that was weighed into some equation of life.

Truthfully… I’m at the point in life now that I’m ok. And I hate that I’m ok. I’m pissed that I’m ok. And I’m not ok about being ok. I don’t want to be ok… because I fucking miss him. I miss him so much. I don’t think I want to be ok right now. And in this moment, and in the last number of weeks, I haven’t been ok. But I think that’s because I’m ok and I’m pissed about it. What would have been our 6th anniversary hit me hard. It was the 4th that I spent alone and I still feel so robbed. I never got the opportunity to live my life with him. We got long enough to have our daughter and start trying for our second. That’s it. I want the family that I never got to build. My daughter is my everything and my god do I love her. I just want more. I want the life I was supposed to have with him.

I hate this. This is too hard. This hurts. This is breaking me again. I know I can do this because I will do this… but I can’t do this. It’s just too hard. It hurts too much.

I need sleep.

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Published by

Becky Nolan

I a widowed mom to my young daughter. I lost my husband suddenly at the age of 29, leaving me with a one year old child to raise on my own. I live in Connecticut, where I met, married, and lost the man that I am still proud to call my husband. Every day I struggle. Every day I learn. Every day I am grateful for the time I had with him, and for the little girl he gave me before he left. I have found comfort and healing in writing. I have found purpose in sharing my story, knowing that so many others have been through it, too. Knowing that everyone has experienced loss and struggle. Words can be healing when they come from that deeply honest place within the soul. Grief is too lonely a road to walk alone, so I aim to give comfort and company on that lonely road.

5 thoughts on “It’s hitting again…”

  1. As a widow and mother of three. It’s been seven years since the death of my husband. It doesn’t get any easier and your article hits the nail on the head. It is hard to watch other families who have daddy’s. It’s hard to watch your child look at other families that have Daddy’s.

    Like

  2. I will miss Nathan for the rest of my life. It doesn’t matter that I’ve found my new normal. It doesn’t matter that I’ve remarried a man who I also love. I will still miss Nathan every damn day.

    Hugs♥️

    Like

  3. I lost my partner at 7 months pregnant. I already had a child which we raised together but things were supposed to be perfect. Life is cruel. And now my beautiful future has been ripped away. Life is unfair, but you said in an earlier post that you wouldn’t allow yourself to stay in the pity stage for too long. I know this is quite a few weeks late but I hope you have come out the other side of this. I really need you to, because if you can, I kinda feel maybe I can.
    So, No pressure.
    Please try and focus on what you do have and not what you don’t/won’t. You taught me this, I can’t always follow but I do try to keep it in mind. So I’m just giving you a reminder and support I guess and the belief it will get better

    Nat Xxx

    Like

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