It’s been more than three years since I lost my husband. And I’m still not past the late nights driving around sobbing and angry and wishing I could understand. Understand why daughter doesn’t have a daddy. Understand why the other moms at the splash park get to have their afternoons chasing around their little ones with their husbands… when my daughter will never know what it’s like to have a daddy… or know her daddy at all!
The thing is this… life is not fair. They like to say no one says life is fair. Well, I don’t think it’s as easy as that. Because life is not fair… but fair was never a factor. It’s never been a thing that was weighed into some equation of life.
Truthfully… I’m at the point in life now that I’m ok. And I hate that I’m ok. I’m pissed that I’m ok. And I’m not ok about being ok. I don’t want to be ok… because I fucking miss him. I miss him so much. I don’t think I want to be ok right now. And in this moment, and in the last number of weeks, I haven’t been ok. But I think that’s because I’m ok and I’m pissed about it. What would have been our 6th anniversary hit me hard. It was the 4th that I spent alone and I still feel so robbed. I never got the opportunity to live my life with him. We got long enough to have our daughter and start trying for our second. That’s it. I want the family that I never got to build. My daughter is my everything and my god do I love her. I just want more. I want the life I was supposed to have with him.
I hate this. This is too hard. This hurts. This is breaking me again. I know I can do this because I will do this… but I can’t do this. It’s just too hard. It hurts too much.
I need sleep.